Thursday, June 30, 2011
"This isn't about SKIN, it's about SIN"
What we thought was going to be a trashy but exciting adventure of a sleazy duo turned out to be an amateur, melodramatic piece with exactly one camera angle. Preachin' To the Sistas proved to be exactly what we should have expected. Two hardened criminals rip off a Georgian church and the clothing of every woman they meet. And in the meantime, the main woman character explores the hard truths of sexism, racism and rape. Almost rape.
Instead of giving you an extensive play-by-play of the movie, we thought it would be more helpful to you to just give you a list of things we would rather do than ever watch this movie again.
1. Megan would rather build a cuckoo clock with her bare hands and leaves.
2. Lexie would rather watch Megan build a cuckoo clock with her bare hands and leaves.
3. Lauren would rather watch Lexie watch Megan build said clock.
4. Watch a pig throw up its dinner.
5. Eat eighteen chicken pot pies. And then bathe in a vat of chicken pot pies.
6. Get hair cut into bowl cut and then permed.
7. Read War and Peace.
8. Go on a scavenger hunt for a dead person's rotting skull.
9. Watch Megan's dog eat cat feces.
10. Smell Megan's dog.
11. Find a dead skunk in the toilet.
12. Makeout with Lord Voldemort.
We aren't going to lie to you. After watching this movie, our egos grew tenfold. We have made better movies than this in the past for high school english projects. We especially loved the closeup of the glass of orange juice, the fact that there were moments where we could only see the back of a character's head as they talked, the part where the one guy pauses a phone call to take off his tie, and the fantastic fade ins and outs. The full frontal nudity was a little more than we could handle, but oh-so-tasteful, especially during the tiger-assed stripper dance scene.
Alcohol was present in mostly every scene. You may notice this is a reoccurring theme throughout our selections. This is unintentional, we assure you.
We have concluded the budget for this film was exactly $228.27. Between the bare white walls, unlit candles, Goodwill wardrobe, and mediocre video camera it was clear that they used all that money to pay the salary of the one good actor, the five-year-old boy, and to make the cover which features none of the actors and all of the excitement the movie lacked.
Throughout the majority of the movie we felt like we were prying in on private conversations, and instead of stealthy, we felt completely unnerved.
Probably the best part of the movie was the credits when we finally realized the song playing throughout the entire movie was called "Too Much Booty in Da Pants" by Soundmaster T.
Don't watch this movie. The end.
Until our next Cinemazing adventure, this is LexiConErrick singing off.